New Age Blend

Welcome to the 3D part of the multiverse!
Yes, you! My adventure-seeking friend!
Like me, you have found patriarchial thought-control
to be an anti-life-force dead-end!
And you’re looking to create a new identity,
finding ingredients in all the latest trends!
We’re both in the quest to make a life that’s
the PERFECT New Age Blend!

Because we’re Planetary Citizens, Dimensional Travellers,
beings beyond time and space!
The crystal collection fills the bedroom,
and there’s prayer flags all over the place!
The veges are organic, the toast’s gluten free,
and can you believe how good kambucha tastes?
And I’m discovering how coffee-enemas can take me
to a whole new state of grace!

And! My electro physiological feedback Xrroid treatments
have been a life-affirming success!
All that’s left now are my childhood memories –
but they’re a total MESS.
Primal Scream therapy and rebirthing failed
to get things off my chest,
It seems my Akashic Records got lost, during an astral flight!
Just bad luck I guess!

And it seems like the healings and the journies go on
and on and never seem to end…
But I’m CERTAIN there’s a NEW cutting-edge modality out there
that will make my life the PERFECT: holistic, New Age blend.

And! in pursuit of inner wisdom
I explored the wonders of modern chemistry.
I snorted clouds of cocaine, ketamine fell like rain,
I gobbled up ecstasy.
I collected doctors’ prescriptions
and went on a legal pharmaceutical spree.
with codeine for breakfast, fentanyl for lunch
and pethidine for afternoon tea!

You see, when it comes to chemically altered states,
I like to think of myself as a conniseur;
But I went mad – and did all sorts of awful things
like licking cane toads and sniffing glue!
And of course the white powder
whose irresistable summons you cannot defer.
Enslaver of millions and destroyer of lives;
processed sugar!

But that’s all behind me now, and everything’s
going to be fine and fluffy and have a happy end !
BECAUSE the NEW ancient wisdom I’m investigating
WILL make my life the PERFECT:
nano-cultural, holistic, New Age blend.

And! I fled to India, to an ashram,
to be free of the things I so sinfully craved.
So I confessed and got blessed but was still horribly repressed
and felt unutterably depraved.
But I grew to like wearing white, carrying a yoga mat everywhere,
going from stoner dreadlocks to being shaved;
Eating lentils and brown rice, it was all rather nice,
being special and spiritually saved.

And then I met my Sacred tantric Lover,
vital for realizing profound spiritual meaning!
Gateway to the formless realms of ecstasy,
that’s my kind of healing!
I said “why don’t we yabyum our way to enlightenment?”,
promising and pleading.
But it didn’t work out; she kept interrupting the bliss
by suggesting I help her with the cleaning!

So now I’m alone and all non-Tantric, how will this all end?
Well, I’ll just have to find some AMAZING practice that will make my life
the PERFECT neuro-linguistic, nano-cultural, holistic, New Age blend.

And! the alchemy of archaeoastronomy
brought me to an Archaic multiverse view.
Bach Flower Remedies gave my pineal-gland toning
a macro-quantum breakthrough!
But an aura reader said “Mercury’s in retrograde!
So aromatherapy’s not good for you”!
So now what? Qi Gong? Reiki? Llama dancing?
Or channel UFOs through my didgeridoo?

Oh I better light some incense, brew some ayurvedic tea
and read the secrets of the Kaballah.
And channel my native American power animal guide
and ask for inspiration – ah!
I’m told to take a holiday! But not to India because
that’s where all the wannabe spiritual tourists go!
I think I’ll livestream a webinar from Bali
on being a shamanic right-brain world traveller.

Oh but now I’ve sold my soul to social media,
and all my time in vacuous conversation I’ll spend!
I’m gonna have to find something REALLY spiritual
to make my life the PERFECT psycho-spiritual, neuro-linguistic, nano-cultural, holistic, New Age blend.

And! My Harmonic Convergence life coach
has lost her lustre, she doesn’t seem to listen any more.
And I’m SO spiritually advanced it takes me HOURS
to explain what all this healing is for!
So I’m thinking therapy. Gestalt? CBT? SFBT?
I have a flyer on the fridge door…
about a new fusion of tai chi and colonic irrigation
that will open the highest chakra!

I was facilitating an organic raw vegan detox workshop
and a fellow enlightened being asked me ‘what’s your mantra?’
I said ‘Feng Shui has empowered my connection to Gaia
and now the Qi flows like elixir’

We ended up in bed mapping our meridians,
laying down for everything that we stand for.
She thought it was just a one night stand
but I reckon we’ve invented neo-TANTRA!

Or have we? Maybe? Probably! Yeah! Because she’s perfect, and I’m perfect, and you’re perfect! We’re ALL perfect! No matter what others may pretend, this is ALL part of my life becoming the PERFECT: realignment-inducing, psycho-spiritual, neuro-linguistic, nano-cultural, holistic, New Age blend.

And! My genuine Aztec sweat lodge ceremony
– was ruined – by an unrealized being’s antics!
He kept going on and on about the extra-terrestrial lizard people
and their spaceship – which is apparently gigantic.
He said “The lizards run the world by hypnotising leaders,
making them totally sycophantic!
To defeat them we have abolish money and refloat Atlantis,
right above the wreck of the Titanic.”

So I said to him, look as an existential psychonaut I can tell you:
past achievements don’t mean a thing.
But let me tell you about my Kambo Poison Frog Ceremony,
I swelled up till I was a balloon of skin!
All my birth traumas appeared AND my fear of death
and then my whole reality-tunnel began to cave in!
The next day I was so cool, I smoked DMT for breakfast and said
“when does the hard part begin?”

Oh but beneath it all I feel like a fraud! All I do is waffle and pretend!
I’m going to have to get super sincere about something and make my life the PERFECT sentience-enhancing, realignment-inducing, psycho-spiritual, neuro-linguistic, nano-cultural, holistic, New Age blend.

And! I’ve sung praises to Jehova,
Jesus and Allah, Quetzalcoatl, Brahma and Indra.
I’ve had so many break downs and breakthroughs
I’ve broken my brain and my aura looks like a dog’s dinner!
I’ve vomited in circle, hyperventilated in therapy,
my acupunture needles make me look like an echidna!
And I’ve had enough! I’m going to go live nude in a tree-house
and become a clean-slate Zen beginner.

And from my Zen tree-house I proclaim – this is the year!
I will triumph and I will transcend!
I may have to do another vipassana retreat
that seems to never fucking end.
I may have to recalibrate my wu-wei and my thantos
because (for some reason) my kundalini has started to ascend.

But WHATEVER I do I am TOTALLY confident
that this NEW whatever-it-is will make my life the PERFECT transpersonal, sentience-enhancing, realignment-inducing, psycho-spiritual, neuro-linguistic, nano-cultural, holistic, New Age blend.

And! – for now – that’s the end!

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